Genius From a Past Era

C.T.Robinson is gone, lost in a world that was too
slow to catch him and too small to contain him.
He was a prototype, a high speed, low drag mutant,
god's own one-off, a special writer who could only
come along at a special time.

And a special time it was. The early days of this
old internuthin', a wild high time when cowboys,
prospectors, robber-barons and gunslingers like
C.T. Robinson ran amok and it was Nobody's
Business. We were young then, and free, or at
least more free than we are now.

Young wild and crazy, driving fast with no
restraint, not wearing restraints, no helmets,
no registration, no insurance. We didn't stop
when the Man tried to pull us over, and we
didn't care what the consequences were gonna
be if and when they finally ran us down.

And run us down they did. Eventually even
the fastest full bore wild man runs into that
cul de sac, that speed trap, that ambush where
the Man was one step ahead of you and nothing
you could do was going to alter the outcome.

The great worm of history continues to turn
though, debts to society get paid, eventually,
parole boards relent, under constant pressure
to open critical bed space. The call is out: we ARE
getting the band back together, but C.T. won't
be there to answer the call.

It's too late, way past that epoch. That kind of
primitive brute is out of place in this foul age;
it's the twenty-First century now, and beasts
like C.T. Robinson have all been hunted down
and placed in climate controlled zoos, or just
killed outright. Rumor has it there are reproducing
colonies still holed up, pockets of decadence even
the Dept of Homlnd Security hasn't been able to
penetrate or ferret out. But these are just rumors,
and malicious ones at that. Don't hold your breath:
Osamo's cave will be easier to find.

So given all that I feel no shame in shamelessly
putting this tres aged gem out there. Chris will forgive
me. And if a stranger in dark glasses, trench coat and
false beard ever shows up, the royalty check will still
be there, waiting.

Subject: Fwd: Ancient skulls
From: C.T. Robinson

Paleoanthropology Division
Smithsonian Institute
207 Pennsylvania Avenue
Washington, DC 20078

Dear Sir:
Thank you for your latest submission to the Institute,
labeled "211-D, layer seven, next to the clothesline
post. Hominid skull." We have given this specimen a
careful and detailed examination, and regret to
inform you that we disagree with your theory that
it represents "conclusive proof of the presence of
Early Man in Charleston County two million years
ago." Rather, it appears that what you have found
is the head of a Barbie doll, of the variety one of
our staff, who has small children, believes to be
the "Malibu Barbie". It is evident that you have
given a great deal of thought to the analysis of this
specimen, and you may be quite certain that those
of us who are familiar with your prior
work in the field were loathe to come to contradiction
with your findings. However, we do feel that there
are a number of physical attributes of the specimen
which might have tipped you off to it's modern origin:

1. The material is molded plastic. Ancient hominid
remains are typically fossilized bone.

2. The cranial capacity of the specimen is
approximately 9 cubic centimeters, well below the
threshold of even the earliest identified proto-hominids.

3. The dentition pattern evident on the "skull" is
more consistent with the common domesticated dog
than it is with the "ravenous man-eating Pliocene
clams" you speculate roamed the wetlands during
that time. This latter finding is certainly one of the
most intriguing hypotheses you have submitted in
your history with this institution, but the evidence
seems to weigh rather heavily against it. Without
going into too much detail, let us say that:

A. The specimen looks like the head of a Barbie doll
that a dog has chewed on.
B. Clams don't have teeth.

It is with feelings tinged with melancholy that we
must deny your request to have the specimen carbon
dated. This is partially due to the heavy load our lab
must bear in it's normal operation, and partly due
to carbon dating's notorious inaccuracy in fossils of
recent geologic record. To the best of our knowledge,
no Barbie dolls were produced prior to 1956 AD, and
carbon dating is likely to produce wildly inaccurate
results. Sadly, we must also deny your request that
we approach the National Science Foundation's
Phylogeny Department with the concept of assigning
your specimen the scientific name "
Australopithecus spiff-arino." Speaking personally, I,
for one, fought tenaciously for the acceptance of
your proposed taxonomy, but was ultimately voted
down because the species name you selected was
hyphenated, and didn't really sound like it might
be Latin.

However, we gladly accept your generous donation
of this fascinating specimen to the museum. While
it is undoubtedly not a hominid fossil, it is, nonetheless,
yet another riveting example of the great body of
work you seem to accumulate here so effortlessly.
You should know that our Director has reserved a
special shelf in his own office for the display of the
specimens you have previously submitted to the
Institution, and the entire staff speculates daily
on what you will happen upon next in your
digs at the site you have discovered in your back
yard. We eagerly anticipate your trip to our
nation's capital that you proposed in your last
letter, and several of us are pressing the
Director to pay for it. We are particularly
interested in hearing you expand on your
theories surrounding the "trans-positating
fillifitation of ferrous ions in a structural matrix"
that makes the excellent juvenile Tyrannosaurus
rex femur you recently discovered take on the
deceptive appearance of a rusty 9-mm Sears
Craftsman automotive crescent wrench.

Yours in Science,
Harvey Rowe
Curator, Antiquities

VOUCHSAFE AND BEHOOVE WHOREMONGERS,
C.T. Robinson

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