McCain's only hope is a secret-sex tape

By D. Sparks
Thoughts from the cable television American presidential election news cycle. Disclaimer: I only get MSNBC until DishTV figures out that they haven't turned my service off yet. I told them to just get all of this shit out of my life. But since it's now free, I'll do you the service of laying down some cranial squirts.

John McCain is headed for electoral Armageddon. Bank on it.

McCain's only hope for electoral victory this year is a for a secret-sex tape to surface featuring he and his wife Cindy locked up in a cum-flinging, whips and chains interracial threesome with the aging Napoleon syndrome victim from Arizona and Tyra Banks. Cindy would have Tyra and Johnny boy tied up, calling all the shots with the evil jurisprudence of a German leather queen calmly awaiting the arrival of Rob Halford to the party - ordering John to finger and lick Tyra's hot snatch and ghetto booty with the veracity of a Jack Russell Terrier. And if by chance McCain's Cialis isn't working, Vince Neil could always stand in as a stunt cock (although with the possibilities of four-hour erections this is doubtful).

Let's be honest, a secret-sex tape is an utter necessity if McCain has any hope of garnering any vote whatsoever beyond the chronically cathetered.

Bumbling between photo-ops of packaged cheese and riding shotgun with the perhaps the most heinous of the foul Bush clan, of whom the elder Bush's face seems to be melting with rot due to age - gotta' love how mother nature always has the last laugh - watching the uncomfortable, yellow teethed ass-sasquatch McCain is like watching an elderly fundamentalist woman chilling with Tupac Shakur's crew while they share blunts and whip their mandingo meat sticks out readying grandma' for a ghetto gangbang - uncomfortable to say the least.

Mike Dukakis is probably chuckling somewhere now watching a presidential candidate who is actually worse at the show business game than he. And make no bones about it, American politics is all about the show business. At least the part about getting elected to American office that is.

Obama is entire galaxys ahead of McCain in the optical manipulation and charisma game. Watching the two is like watching a Mercedez-Benz slide past a broken down Chevrolet, stuck on the railroad tracks, readying for oblivion.

Why we are paying any attention to this charade on television where bumbling media dolts aplenty postulate persistently on who won the media game is beyond me. Obama was anointed President of the world this week. He is so goddamn smooth, at one point in his speech in Berlin, his tongue turned into actual red velvet cake.

I can't believe I'm actually even writing about this election since it's such a damn joke as to be laughable like an episode of America's funniest video stuck on the clip of a toddler cracking his dad in the balls with a wiffle ball. It's painful, wrenching humor foisted upon the American public. It's as if someone in the real string pulling department (you know, the people whose name nobody knows and who actually run the country - the low-profile money makers) all got together and planned a national practical joke.

Dark Behind the Scenes Character No. 1: "So who are we going to run against Obama to make this appear as if it is some kind of Democracy?"

Dark Behind the Scenes Character No. 2 (breaking into laughter): "John Fucking McCain!"

Dark Behind the Scenes Crowd Gathered for Overlord Meeting: "ROFL! ROFL!"

Dark Behind the Scenes Character No. 1: "Then John McCain it is!"

Anyone who doesn't realize that this game is already way over deserves to lick McCain's fingers when he's done shooting that video.

Really people. We have serious issues to discuss.