The Strange and Terrible Story of the Semi-Domesticated Primates

The Semi-Domesticated Primates spent most
of their time trying to hide what they were
doing, since most of the time they were acting
Just Awful. And those who were known to act
Just Awful were understood to be No Good Shits.

Dick Cheney is a No Good Shit. George W. Bush
would be a No Good Shit, except he's not smart
enough to know that he's acting Just Awful.
He thinks he's a Great President, 'cause Dick
Cheney tells him so. And so does Condi Rice.
Condi Rice is a No Good Shit.

The Semi-domesticated Primates followed the
territorial dominance posturing/aggression
behavior of their undomesticated ancestors.
Where the ancestors would shit into leaves
and fling the shit across the tribal boundary
at the rival predatory gang, the Semi-
Domesticated Primates would put squiggles
of ink onto leaves of paper and hurl them
across tribal boundaries at rival predatory
gangs.

They also devised elaborate rituals and
structures which allowed a few No Good Shits
to monopolize most of the good food, clean
water, nice places to live, and desirable
mates to procreate with. The rest of the Semi-
domesticated Primates had to make do with
what they were left with, because they were
not smart enough to figure out how they were
being screwed, or because they didn't have
the power to stop it.

The power to stop it required education and
awareness on the part of enough of the
Semi-domesticated Primates that they could
smash the heads on the No Good Shits in and
get away with it. The No Good Shits became
very good at keeping enough of the others
distracted, divided, or ignorant enough that
the No Good Shits could continue to act Just
Awful. And so it went. [with thanks to Robert
Anton Wilson, Timothy Leary, and Kurt Vonnegut.]

Let's Kick Toby Keith In the Balls

I am a Whore and My Drinks are Free!

I am a Whore and My Drinks are Free!

By TS Penn – Vintage 1997 Fat City News

UPDATE: 8/2/08- TS Penn-- The concept of objective journalism is dead in America. If you flip back and forth between Fox News and CNN, somewhere in the middle you may find the truth if you look real hard. With this recent goat fuck of a presidential election going on I though this original Fat City News article from 1997 has been validated. Never in history have we seen the media more blatantly expose themselves as the bias whores, They have cast off the ideals of conventional journalistic ideals to embrace the Gonzo concepts of becoming a part of the story, as opposed to a neutral observer. The biggest story these days the media is reporting is about themselves and the defense of their teenage crush on Barrack Hussein Obama. Perhaps those media moguls who envision the profits that will be realized by the magnitude of cannon fodder that this untested, almost virgin, strange new political entity, are encouraging the obvious media love fest. After all the price of beer is going up with everything else and downsizing is a growing trend.

Time to write about last night's savage adventures at the "Mecklermedia Fall 97 World Internet Conference". First, my apologies for not submitting a LIVE report from the pressroom. I forgot the list's email address. Among this crowd of techno geeks in a pressroom full of techno journalism's elite press, I ran across more than one fan who knew of Fat City News. To this small contingent... I was treated like a hero. They would later become the core of my own private army of radical fringe wannabe journalists who joined me on the twisted trail of press parties we invaded with drunken abandon later that night. Journalistic ethics and morals disappear as fast as the cash and drugs from the evidence locker of a Mexican police department in Tijuana.

As I roamed the over 600 exhibitors with my first real,. legitimately issued "press pass" for Fat City News, I was sucked in like a corrupt politician to the social suck up attention and the amenities and gifts that were heaped on me by the corporate reps because I had a press badge that said I was a "product review journalist". (Or so they thought. It was a cover that easily passed any background checks for a show that was all about touting the latest and greatest computer and internet products.) I found myself being catered to by companies like Microsoft, IBM, Oracle, AOL and a host of hundreds of Internet companies who all just wanted to be my friend in the hope that I would write a good review or even mention their product in a positive light. I felt like a politician being swooned by the lobbyists. I marveled at the fact that a little tag around my neck hanging by a shoestring gave me almost godlike powers over the marketing swine of billion dollar corporations. When I saw a software package I liked all I had to do was say we were "considering" a product review in a future issue and I was handed a full boxed version of their latest version. Needless to say my press pass identified me also as the "Managing Editor" drew me even more attention. If I knew then what I know now, this would have been our Fat City News summit with press passes for all on our staff who were willing to make the trip to the most wild and electric point on the Earth,,,New York City...just like I pictured it..skyscrappers and everything!

Let me state now. I totally sold out. But in retrospect, that may have been hidden mission and story I was looking for. It didn’t take long to recognize I was not only in a corporate whorehouse, but my press credentials gave me VIP status. Waiting in lines? Fuck no! I would be quickly escorted by a hired wannabe model/actress to the front. And I liked it. Fuck the doomed; give me some free stuff and an invitation to the after party. Maybe I sold out, but maybe I was just following the story. I was willing to make that sacrifice.

FUCK THE TRUTH.

Tell them what they wanna hear and they will treat you like a god.

Buy me a drink and a whore and I’ll promise that your product is gold in my bloodshot eyes.

Ignore me… and I'll threaten to bury your ass in negative ink.

Corporate journalism at its finest.

I've learned they all do it. The product review so called journalists. They also, like myself enjoy the good life and being catered to. The main difference is I am willing to admit it here in print now.

I'm a whore who is ready to play this fucking game. I am also someone who knows the rules only apply to the weak, sidestepping the rules is how this game is played

OK, now that I've admitted it, I'm one step above the pompous assholes who play the game but will forever deny any involvement in it. Instead they play the role of the "respectable journalist". The guy who will enjoy all the perks like a politician yet deny they play any role on their decision making.

I say fuck it!

Let them know where you stand up front, sure you'll be considered scum, a traitor by the majority of press, but to the marketing people you are something special who deserves extra special treatment.

Then again, the gonzo journalist has always been a misunderstood breed. The very concept has always been open to interpretation by anyone with enough honesty and balls to jump headfirst into the bowels of this indefinable style of writing and reporting. Some may claim that underground journalism is the last bastion of truth. In that train of thought, and by exposing myself as a whore who will promise you a cover story for a free drink and the company of Corporate America's finest public relation sluts, I have therefore exposed the corpse of the most despicable and savage naked journalistic myth. Journalists throughout time have been called whores. Now is the time to revel in this truth and stand up and be counted and admit:

I AM A WHORE, AND MY DRINKS ARE FREE!

OK, I've wandered and ranted and hopeful a small handful will grasp the concept. Consumer journalism is bed full of beautiful sluts that only those devoid of normal childhood would walk away from. They have not realized there are no heroes in this line of work. Heroes do not generate advertising dollars and they seldom get laid.

I never wrote a single word about any of these products. That was not the mission. But I still get invitations to the free parties every week. Sometimes even billion dollar corporations participate in the lifestyle and ignorance of the doomed. They can afford to do so, it’s a write off, a numbers game. I attended a lot of parties that night given by major corporations plying me with booze, babes, bands, and gifts. My world of journalism is just a peek into where all journalism is already hip deep in. The difference is I tell the truth while they continue to bullshit you. Their facts are always hand fed and most often murky and twisted to bolster the agenda of demographic sales statistics. The truth can only be told by those who are willing to admit that they can be manipulated. For they are the free, the liberated, and they no longer have any reason to lie…to you.